The death of a child, and the family’s need for support and direction, may well be the most difficult situation you will ever face as a member of the clergy. When a child dies, family members experience many of the normal feelings of grief—shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, fear, and others—but each of these emotions is made deeper and more intense by the fact that it was a child who died.

It is extremely important to understand that the “child” who died may have been an adult, even one grown and with a family. Anyone survived by a parent was still a “child” to that surviving parent.

The observations and suggestions that follow come from personal experiences shared by thousands of families that have found friendship, understanding, and hope in meetings of The Compassionate Friends following the death of a child.

Where to Begin

Go directly to the family as soon as possible after learning of the child’s death. Be open to their emotions and to your own. Sharing the pain and showing emotion demonstrate your compassion and foster a trusting relationship.

There are many ways in which you can be helpful from the beginning. The family may look to you for guidance with immediate decisions, such as organ and tissue donation. Whether or not the child’s death was expected, the family may be unprepared to make certain decisions, and your reassuring presence may help them make choices they will continue to find acceptable upon later reflection.

If a baby was born still, encourage the parents to name the baby. Most families will appreciate this later as they remember their child in special ways that signify the importance of that child in their lives.

The Funeral

Involve the family in planning the funeral service, visitation, and burial rites. Include brothers and sisters (often referred to as the forgotten mourners) and grandparents, when appropriate.

Decisions about the service are made at a time of tremendous stress. It’s often helpful for the clergy to have on hand a collection of meaningful poems, music, and readings appropriate for various age groups; making these available to the family is an act of great kindness.

Personalizing the service by using the child’s favorite music or poem will make it even more memorable for the family and friends. You may wish to encourage hurting family members to write their tributes on paper for use during the service, knowing that it is often difficult for them to verbalize their remembrances. Use the child’s name often during the service.

When a child is born still or infant death occurs, try to arrange for the mother (and, of course, the father) to be included in the funeral service if medically able to be present. Use the name of the child born still in the service, just as you would for any child being remembered. In some faiths, full funeral services are not held for young infants and children born still. A memorial service would be appropriate to acknowledge that a precious child has died.

A Nonjudgmental Presence

Answers cannot explain away the pain that parents experience when their child dies. Your nonjudgmental presence, regardless of the cause of death, may be the best expression of your caring and support.

It is normal for bereaved parents and their family members to closely reexamine their spiritual beliefs during the grieving process.

Some parents will find their faith to be a source of comfort and strength through their ordeal. Others may be angry at their religion or feel betrayed by their God. Bereaved family members often need to express themselves, even though the feelings they express may make others uncomfortable.

Avoid clichés such as “You can always have more children,” “It’s God’s will,” “(S)he’s better off now,” “(S)he’s with God now,” or “Now you have an angel in heaven.” Even though these comments may reflect a person’s private belief, they are generally viewed as insensitive and hurtful when offered by others, regardless of their genuinely kind intent.

Continuing Support

Bereaved families receive a lot of attention in the days and weeks following a child’s death. When that attention fades, they are left feeling isolated and lonely. Your personal visits and phone calls, as time passes, will reassure the family that you have not forgotten their sorrow.

Keep in mind that all family members have been affected by the loss. The grief of siblings will differ from their parents’ and from each other’s. Grandparents not only mourn the loss of a grandchild, but are deeply saddened to see their child in so much pain.

Individuals grieve differently and on different timetables, which can strain relationships between spouses and between parents and surviving children. It might be helpful for a trusted third party, such as you, to encourage family members to respect these differences.

Bereaved parents will be grateful when you speak of their child by name as you help them recall joyful, as well as sorrowful, memories.

Holiday times, birthdays, and anniversaries of the death may intensify the grief of bereaved parents; they will appreciate your notes of remembrance on those occasions. Remind the faith community of the importance of continuing support, and encourage them, as well, to call, write, and visit.

Be sensitive to changes in the language of grief. Members of The Compassionate Friends have suggested “died by suicide” and “born still” as appropriate and compassionate terms to use when referring to these causes of death.

The Compassionate Friends

The Compassionate Friends (TCF) was founded in England in 1969 by Reverend Simon Stephens, then an assistant chaplain at Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital. Through the deaths of two young boys, their parents met, and a deeply meaningful friendship developed.

Reverend Stephens saw that these parents were able to help one another through their grief in ways that he could not, and he worked with them to form an organization that could offer such support and understanding to other bereaved parents.

Today TCF is a worldwide nonprofit, self-help, mutual-assistance organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents and their families in many countries around the world. There are chapters in nearly 600 communities across the United States.

TCF has no religious affiliation, welcoming those of all faiths and those with no faith at all. All leadership roles are filled by member volunteers, who work in honor of their children, siblings, or grandchildren who have died.

If there is a chapter of The Compassionate Friends near you, please acquaint yourself with them as an additional resource to bereaved parents and their families in your faith community.